2003-07-16 + 8:55 a.m.
Save me
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Ugh. I swear, there is something written in stone that says "Marla is not allowed to be happy for more than a week." I've been permanently unhappy for the past 2 days, with exception of when I found out Matt and Lauren broke up, and I am sure there was another time. But right now I'm not focused on that. I seriously think I am meant to die unhappy. You're probably thinking "big deal, 2 days" well no. I've been suffering a long hard journey of teenagerism since August 16th, 2000. Something like that, the year may be messed up but I don't care.

So between worrying about every little fucking thing imaginable, I find out tonight that Maureen likes Matt. Just fucking perfect. Right when they both break up with their whatever you want to call them...spouses, she decides that she likes him. Hello I am fucking in love with this kid and I didn't have a boyfriend to break up with in the first place. Honestly, the most anyone could give me right now would be Matt. He's all I want. I'd give up my car, my job, every fucking thing I own, just to be with him. I can't take this feeling anymore, the feeling of being alone even though I'm not. I am positive I've said this about a guy before, heck I probably said it about Alex...well I've never liked a guy as much as I like Matt. I think my feelings get stronger with every guy...and sure I've liked a few guys between our little "thing" but it's nothing NEAR the feeling I have for him. I wish I could get rid of the feeling because it isn't healthy.

I haven't eaten much....today I ate olives, a Butterfinger and pepperoni bread, yesterday I don't remember what I ate. I drink a lot of water so it can't be all bad. But I do wish that I could just go back to my eating habits, which would be eating 24/7...but I'm feeling a little uggh about my weight even though I'm still under, I barely hit 100 pounds on good days. Like I want to weight more, but I don't want it to all go to my thighs which is what happens. I told myself I was on a diet then I went and ate a Butterfinger. I've never been like this, I don't know how to treat myself.

Apart from not eating, I haven't slept. Last night I got one hour of sleep, from like 3:30-4:30 then I was up again feeling sick...again. Well right now it's 3:56am and I'm obviously still awake. Well I don't have the internet because my dad's a fucking grr, so I can't post this now or talk to people, I'm stuck being dumb and bored until people wake up and I can be bitchy.

Haven't gotten my period for 3 or 4 months again, this drives me crazy. Remove my damn ovaries because I'm not having kids anyway. Well I think I'll go watch a movie now, I've got a hankerin' to see Jackass. Second thought no...Dan took it. I'm stuck watching whatever we have out there and I don't know what it is.

I want to move to Denver because they just said Denver in this song. I'd rather be anywhere but here. I want to be careless again but the chance of that is slim. Someday when I have my license, I'm going to pick up my paycheck and go shopping the entire day...or maybe I'll wait until I have a credit card so I can like...buy everything. Wow I feel angry.

Sorry you had to put up with this.

MArRLA

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