2003-09-09 + 8:39 p.m.
Matt's depression and wtf, rubberbands.
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Oh God. It's 12:34am and I cannot sleep. I've been crying for the past 2 hrs because of Matt. They just diagnosed him "clinically depressed". I seriously don't have a clue as to how the hell I'm supposed to take this. I've never really had to go through this before, where someone was actually diagnosed by a doctor, etc...other than my brother but that's kind of different. I was just not as close to Dan as I am to Matt.

Honestly, why the hell am I so fucking concerned? I know he's going to come out of it all fine and dandy, so why the heck do I worry so much? I seriously just...uggh I can't stop crying. I cry so much about the dumbest things having to do with him. Why can't I just live a fucking normal life and have my biggest problem be "Omg. Jessica soooo told Marie about what I did to Donald.>:O" Seriously. Why can't I be a fucking heartless creature? It would make life so much easier. Why do I have to care about every little thing? Why do I have to worry so much? Someone... please. I can't keep living like this, it's interfering with everything. We were already having little communication problems so I cried about that, and putting this on top of it is like putting a brick on top of an ant. I simply...just can't take it. I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do with myself because I can't keep doing this.

He told me not to worry about him, but that only made me worry more. I have a huge bio test in the morning, haven't done a single sheet of homework, and I have tons. I've got a LA essay due first period. How fun.

I want things to go back to normal... like over the summer. He's made my life so much more worth living, and I just can't stand to see him like this. I will do anything..ANYTHING to bring him back to normal. I miss him so fucking much, yet I see him every day. Why does life have to be like this?

===========================================

I'm a little better now...he seemed alright on our 10-ft walk today, I don't know.

Today was a horrible day. Well all-in-all the day itself wasn't the worst it's ever been but it was still bad. But I didn't feel well, for who knows why. I'll admit to taking nyquil to fall asleep last night even though I'm not sick, but I didn't think the effect of tiredness would last all day. I woke up late and was just...running late, and the whole day I felt light headed and dizzy...going on and off from having a fever to not, and I just felt drunk. I didn't want to participate in gym buy Pritchard is mean and made me...then continued to question why I fell while running to first base. HELLO? I can't stand up straight, how the hell am I supposed to run? She's such a moron. I hate her. I hate school.

Then I got sent to the office for having a rubberband. I was walking to Biology, playing with this cool rubberband. This teacher (I don't know who but it was a short little woman with grayish blonde hair) gives me a dirty look then approaches me and is like "Do you realize that you have a weapon here?" and I was like "No." and she was like "well, you do."

"So you're trying to tell me that this rubberband is a weapon?"

"give me the rubberband."

"No, a rubberband is not a weapon."

"Ya know what?"

"no, what?"

"You're now facing insubordination. Go to the office."

"Okay"

=in office=

"we are going to have to confiscate this."

"It's a rubberband."

"Yes it is, and now it is ours. Care to make this discussion any more?"

"Am I making it a discussion? I'm simply telling you, a rubberband is not a weapon."

"Give us the rubberband or you'll have lots of time to think about it after school for the next week."

*hands over rubberband*

"Thank you, now report back to your destination."

"The bell already rang, can I have a pass?"

"No you can't have a pass."

"Why, you're the one who had me in here."

"And you're the one who was not cooperating."

"Whatever."

=starts walking out=

"And no more rubberbands."

"Yeah."

"No need for the attitude."

"I have no attitude, thanks."

"You're quite welcome, dear."

"mhmm. *mumbles stuff about rubberbands*"

"Get to class dear."

"Don't call me dear."

=leaves office=

omg it was so stupid lmao, and I was being a little bitchy but I didn't feel well anyway ahhhh I thought they were going to call my mom...but HELLO how is a rubberband a weapon?? I was so mad.

But I think I did pretty well on the Bio test although I got yelled at for coming in late. The office wouldn't give me a pass because it was "my own fault for not obeying the teacher." HELLO? HOW THE FUCK IS A RUBBERBAND A WEAPON? Uggh.

Then I was fighting back the Z's in math class because it was so boring. I felt all sick and dizzy and couldn't sit up.

Then I saw Matt for our 10 foot walk and he seemed ok (I swear I already wrote that somewhere) but yeah. I don't know. I love him.

Went to lunch and my friends were annoying me. They're all "What's wrong what's wrong" so I was like "If I really wanted you to know I'd tell you" and they all got mad at me because I guess I said it in a not-so-nice tone. Oh well. It was a day.

All my fish are slowly dying and I don't know why. I'm getting sick of scooping 2 out every day. It looks funny though because their mouths are open.

So yes. Then in orchestra, Holliday let us out late so I got a pass. I didn't want to go to German because me and that class do not agree this year much. So I went to the bathroom to just sit there because I didn't feel well at all. Since I wrote the time on the pass in pencil, I just changed it, then went to German like 20 minutes before the bell rang. It was ok we didn't really do anything but I was so dizzy I could hardly walk in the door without fearing that they would try to test me for drugs.

I want to light things on fire.

Tomorrow we have an away match that I'm playing in and I have no idea how I'm going to get my junk all there. My clubs I guess I have to bring to school. :-/

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